Blessed One's World: Depression ~ May 21, 2007

A month later and I still feel the same way from the last time I wrote in here. My life is depressng.Why has nothing changed? Maybe I do need medicine to calm my nerves and to keep me sane. Everyone keeps saying I got mental problems. Why cant I just be in need of love and be sad because we always argue. Why just because I'm sad I have to have a problem? I guess I'm so messed up I dont even realize how severe I am. How crazy I get. I left last night. But with no where to go and no one to call. I have nobody but jayjay and mom. And even they hate me NOW! I guess until I get help everyone hates me as I too hate who I am. Somedays I see the future some days I dont.

I want a life like normal people have. I dont want to be stressed and make other people stressed. stI want everyone around me to be happy. I want to be happy the most of all. I want to live life everyday and not stress about what happen to me before. I dont want to live like I'm less of a person and I dont want to live like I'm in self doubt. And I really am tired of feeling insecure and unworthy of happiness. I dont want Jay & Mom to say "fuck you bitch we through" because then who will be my support system. My motivators who I desprately need right now. I want to let people in and be loved and be able to laugh and talk. I'm tired of being unproductive, unhealthy, and unable to control my emotions. And I'm tired of feeling negative thoughts. I want to have positive days and happy memories. I want to have normal fun loving relationships with people. And be a nice person that people want to be around.

I dont want to be a failure. I want to accomplish all my dreams for my life. I dont want to just waste away. And when I die say I regret not enjoying my time here on earth. Because as of right now I do regret being here. I have not done anything that I want to do in my life in the past 2 years. Just 2 semesters of college and learn how to drive a car. Well get my license, I still dont have a job, I'm not in school right now. My goal is farther away then ever. I just want to get off my ass and be someone. That I and people are proud off. I dont want people to look at me and say " what a waste". I want people to be proud and say they know me and they are friends and family. I want to be able to be around family and not feel like I dont belong.

See next blog for more on my thoughts and feelings...