Blessed One's World: Depression ~ May 21, 2007

Right now I feel like the black sheep. Like every got they life like that want it and are happy and I'm sitting on the curb waiting for death to come knocking so I can get out of my misery. But in reality I want to be happy and have my life together just like they do. I feel like god is punishing me for what reason I don't know. I still ask myself "why me". Last night matter fact I asked that. What am I suppose be doing with this "blessing" god has given me? For one thing I think I'm suppose to be rising above. But instead I'm deep i self pity. I feel sorry for myself. I feel like this is me and I ain't suppose to have shit. But I know that's not true. But if not then why do I feel that way sometimes? Why cant I believe in myself all the time? Its like I want to be on gods side but I got the devil on my shoulder telling me "fuck god listen to me. Will my life ever not be so depressing?

I wonder if other people struggle with these same feelings like me? Am I the only crazy person in the world? And when will the craziness END? I have struggled like this for over TEN YEARS. When is the struggle over? I try to get myself out then something happens and I fall right back at the devils door. EVERY TIME!!! Why wont the devil stay away from me? Is it because I sin? Or is this just what god has in store for me and the devil has no part in this? I don't know but I am leaning towards my first thought. Because why would god do this to something he created. God is about love not hate. Right? I just had a thought. Did god create me? Or did the devil? I'm so confused. I wish I had all the answers right now and I sure wish MY LIFE WAS DIFFERENT!

I wonder how I would be if I was born different or if things in my life happened different. Would I feel the same, better, or worse,? I'll never know. All I do know is something has to change so I can BECOME A DIFFERENT BETTER PERSON! I have to pick up my pieces and move on to bigger and better things. If I continue to be this way I will never find happiness. I will never be free of my demons. They will follow me everywhere and everyday of my life. I don't want that. Honestly I'm getting pretty sick this all this shit. All the negativeness. I DON'T WANT TO NO MORE. I WANT IT ALL TO GO AWAY! I'M TIRED OF T time. THE SAME LECTURES, SPEECHES, AND APOLOGIZES. All the time. I don't want to go through the same shit another 3 months, 6 months, shit not even another weekend. I want my life back. ASAP! In full no exchanges or refunds. I want to drive my own life. Right into happiness, proud, and accomplishments one after another. FAR AWAY FROM NEGATIVITY!!.

I hope God will let me have it. I hope he sees I'm sincere and that I want it more than anything. More then love, a guy, or a nice family. I want to love me, be happy in my own skin. Then all the rest will come. But first I have to take care of me. I ain't gone have shit if my thoughts and feeling is fucked up. If I'm like that then I'm gone be to the left and all the happy shit gone be away to the right. UNREACHABLE! I want acceptance. From myself. Accept who I am and what god gave me. Deal with it and be happy with what I got. What he gave! I want to change my life for the better. And not keep settling for worse.

To see more of this blog please see next post..

I know this is a long one I was going through ALOT!