Depression ~ May 21, 2007 - Part III

My mind is racing in every direction. I have so much stuff to say I don't know where to start. I'm trying to write down exactly how I feel and not miss anything. But with all this shit I feel it's hard to keep up with everything.

I think if I had my mom around life would be so much easier...right? Would it though? Maybe not because you know what I had these (well some) of these problems when she was here. So now nothing would be different. Well maybe half way. But not totally. Come to think of it. I probably would still need help. And might still feel the same, unhappy, even if she was standing right in front of me. So me being sad because she ain't here is just for the shit that happen sense she been gone. But I sure cant blame her for the way I felt while she was here. I guess using her is just another negative I have to feel sorry about. Another thing to say this is why my life is "fucked up". But I gotta stop that. Do like Jay says and make her if no one else "proud". But I feel sometimes, why make her proud. She cant see it?

But so what. Think about if she were here, if she were I'd want to make her proud of her little girl she sacrificed so much for. For the little girl who she wanted to be something in life. So why not do that shit now! Even though, I can but I'm not. I should huh? Well shit why not I got nothing to lose. And a whole lot to gain. I have a whole life time of happiness to gain.

You know I just noticed my head stopped hurting. I'm glad about that. I think I have to say if no one else in the world cares about me that is okay as long as I care for myself. And know that somewhere mom cares about me. Because if I care for myself I don't need no one to care for myself I don't need no one to help me care for myself. I'll be doing it on my own. I have to start and do it 100% everyday all day. I'm tired of ending up at the devils door step. I want the skills. I want the lessons. I'll do the hard work. I'll put everything aside in order to get the help I need. In order to be a better person. To be happy, healthy, and alive. I'm tired of running from my problems and acting like they don't exist. Like I'm Fine. I'm not fine. I'm damaged inside. I'm hurt. I'm insecure. I'm fearful. I'm always thinking I'm alone. So I guess I'm lonely.