October 21, 2008

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


All My Life


We can title this one “all my life”. During the course of my life I have had to do a lot of things. I have had to fight for one. Fight for normalcy. Fight for acceptance. And most of all I have had to fight for independence.


Today I had to take the steps to fight for what is mine. Not because I don’t deserve them, but because during my life I have made some decisions that took things out of my control and put them in the control of others. And it’s crazy because things have come full circle. This chapter is ending on the same day it began. I’m tired of letting other people control how I act, what I do, and how I feel. Growing up is hard. So if you’re young do what you have to do now to make your life better later. Because once you’re in it, it’s hard to go back and make things right. And I think it’s even harder to fix them while you’re in the moment. Someone once told me the things u do now you won’t see the result until 6 months down the line. This section would be me fighting for normalcy.


In my new place I have a balcony. I don’t go out much, but having a balcony has in a way set me outside myself and my surroundings, even for a lil while to be able to think clearly and with an open mind. It may sound strange, but think of it this way. How do you feel when you take a walk? Just you alone, wonder down the street, or in a park, with nothing but you the sky, and your thoughts. I feel just like your thinking you feel, when I sit outside and just chill. It’s getting colder outside, but it’s nothing like just being able to let your mind go and think about what is and what could be. It’s kind of like stepping outside the box. Giving you a chance to look at the bigger picture; or as some people say “on the outside looking in”. I would call this section fighting for independence.


There is something missing inside me and I have been trying to find it for years. I know what it is, it’s getting to it that’s been the struggle and the journey. I will be 27 my birthday and growing up isn’t getting any easier. I want things and need things, but being only 27 also means that I still have time to get where I want to be. Me being where I am and going through what I’m going through is only setting me up for bigger things to come. Here I am fighting for that independence again.


Have any of you people with parents ever wondered how life would be if they weren’t there? And have you people that don’t have them ever wonder what life would be like if they were still around? Let me tell you now don’t take them for granted if they are still around and you guys are on speaking terms, and if you don’t have them, you better latch on to the people you do have. It may not be the same as them but shit at least you can say you have someone willing to fight for you as they would. Because not having anyone, a support system, a friend, a confidant, or a mentor sucks. Even if you have them, there is nothing like having a mom or a dad, or shit both. I grew up in a single family home, and even though I had a mom. Not having a dad still left me empty, but let me clear it up, my dad IS still living. But he’s just in my opinion never been there. So it’s felt like I never had one. But now I have neither and not having a mom, the one who has been by me every step of the way, and the one who chose life over death. It hurts, its painful, and its most of the time depressing. Because I don’t have anyone to fall back on and say “hey mom, this and this happen” or “guess what good thing I did today”. Not being able to call mom and see how she is doing, you know simple shit I see other people take for granted. I think damn. Why me? Acceptance would be a good title for this section because I am fighting to accept that what’s done is done, and it’s now up to me at almost 27 yrs old. To take hold of my own life and move on and do what they would expect of me, do the right thing as spike lee put it. Accept that my life is now what I make it and not what I have gone through. Even though neither is here to see me, a beautiful and smart young, almost old woman; I should do what’s best for me as they would if they were here guiding me every step of the way.


I do have to say on a side note I saw my cousin from my dad’s side, today that I have been looking for, for years now. I’m very happy about that. And I look forward to the many years we will share together. We have a lot of catching up to do. Love you cousin!!


So now all the rest of my life, I have a lot of things that I still need to do, things I want to see, and people I need to meet. It’s not over, it’s only beginning. I’ve had to fight for the present and I’m sure I’m going to have to fight for my future. Hopefully it won’t be normalcy, acceptance, or independence. God willing I’ll be fighting for bigger and better things. We just have to wait and see. I don’t know what the future holds. Some people would say “it is what you make it”. So now I’m going to leave this blog and go make something of myself. Until the next time readers!


Love,


Charel


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