New Place Thoughts
Let's start this one of with "This is my NOW". I think that's the perfect way to begin this blog. I've moved into the new place. Today is day 4. I'm bored out of my mind. No TV, internet or house phone. So you can imagine what I'm going through here. Well if not imagine being in the desert with nothing but a pet, and some food. The same thing all day, and every day for a week straight.
I feel sooo bored and in a way still somewhat of a failure. I have nothing but time to think about what I want to do and then realities hits and I realize that I still can't do those things.
I'm going to have to suck it up and get a seasonal job around thanksgiving and xmas in order to maintain and save so I can get the things that I want and still very much need. I know I want a lot but until the bills are paid down I can't have shit I want. So time to buckle down and get my shit together. Pay this off pay that off and save a lil here and there. So in the end I will come out on top this time.
Last time nothing was saved and I'm back where I started. Well somewhat. Because god did allow me to be able to move into a new place with the help of me myself and my sis lol. She provided the knowledge I needed in order to make it happen.
But I made the steps beforehand and in the end I am the ultimate person who mad this happen. Im very proud of myself, but for some reason still it isn't enough. So my question is when will it be enough? When will I be satisfied enough to not feel like I can be doing more? When will I be at ease with myself? Why can't I just say fuck it and be thankful for what I have and stop looking at what I don't have? These answers I can't give right now. I just hope god shows me the answers sooner than later. Because I feel like I'm going to drive myself insane if I continue to just want, want, and want.
I have been breaking my neck lol trying to get signal out here on my balcony. Yup I said it balcony. Man if you sit back and think about it. I have come such a long way back from when I was 18 yrs old. I have gone from homeless(sleeping in vans and at bart stations), to house to house(shout out to my nigga Adrian, if it weren't for u I don't know where I'd be), to my own lil itty bitty studio apartment(one room and a bathroom), to muffs' place , back house to house, to sis house, back to muff( this time it was "ours"), then muff left so it was just me again, and now here to this wonderful place. That I can say I made happen all on my own. It's like I have come full circle.
This lil handicap girl from Sunnydale has had her ups and downs. But in the end I seem to still be doing "ok". I may not have all I want. But it seems like I continue to have just what I need to survive. And now I'm back on my grind on my own. Just got to keep my head on my shoulders. Stay grounded. And things will work out in the end I'm sure for the best. It seems that they always do. So I guess this week that I have had with no TV, phone, or internet in the new place, was needed for me to be able to sit back and realize just how far I have come. Even though I'm sitting in here thinking bout how much shit I need and don't have. I can say at least I got a place and I'm doing dayum good for myself. And with the grace of god I will have all that I desire in due time. Twin always says have patience. No matter how much I say I'm tired of struggling, I still continue to push on.
So with that imma push on out this blog and see yawl tomorrow.
With Love, Charel D G
This Is My Now (Studio Single) - Jordin Sparks
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