Blessed One's World: April 9, 2009

Dedicated To Mom

Thursday, April 9, 2009 12:37 AM

First I want to start off by saying that the things we have chosen to do may or may not have been altered. These are just my thoughts on how life has changed and how things could have been with her here. The things that we have done since my mom’s death are only partly his fault. We chose to do what we have done with our lives on our own. But it is because of him that things have been drastically changed. And here is how.

I have said over and over again for the past 12 yrs that my life would be completely different if my mom was alive. I don’t know how true this is but I feel this is true deep down to my soul. It’s like the difference between writing on lined paper and writing on a napkin..The words just don’t look the same.

• School – First year in high school. First month in high school, first month in new school, first time at school being able to be somewhat of a normal child. No worries about when is the next surgery going to be. I had the last surgery to date back in the previous year, 1995. Nine 11 shocked the nation. It shocked the crap out of me. I cant imagine how people in New York, visiting, and residents the same felt. I have a personal relationship with Nine 11 way before the Towers. My mom was also "Murdered" on Nine 11 but in the year 1996. To make the time period 5 years apart. 5 years of Remembrance. Because you know you will never forget about your mom. But as time goes by it gets better. But Nine 11 2001 makes it two times harder to deal with. I feel like the people running down the stairs in the Towers, sad, because I know I will never see the end of those stairs.

Basically my mom will never see my life with me and be able to do what "Mommas Do". But look Nine 11 will stay in all our minds forever. Its up to us to make sure it never happens again. It should only make us stronger."People who stand for nothing will fall for anything" So here I am standing up for her today. The only worries I should have had in my high school days were what classes were going to help me get into a good college. So I can pursue a good career and be a productive woman in the world. Instead on September
11th 1996, my world changed forever. I had to get the news that my mom had been killed, gone, not coming back, forever. Let’s fast forward, since that day school never looked the same, I never looked the same, I never thought the same and lastly, I never felt the same.

After that day I took about a week or two off school. And my mind took a permanent vacation. I sat in class dazed, confused, lost, and stuck. I would do the work but never turned it in. All I could think about was I missed my mom, I wish my mom was still here. And because of this my report cards paid the price. All F’s. No graduation. No walking across the stage. No outstanding university in my future. I felt like a failure. I felt like I let my mom, family down. When mom died I felt like I lost my best friend, my best ally, the only reason I was here in the first place. She fought for me, without her I lost my own motivation to fight for myself. I have come a long way since high school, but things have never been the same. The roads I have taken have not been the same roads I would have taken otherwise. There is a permanent hole in my heart that can never be filled with the same type of love. A mothers' love.

Self Esteem – The depression. I see my mother everyday when I look in the mirror. To me I look like her the most. To others my sister does. Either way her death affected my self esteem and my thoughts on my own image in many ways. For one… my mother was my backbone. When I was in her womb the doctors said to her that I would never lead a normal life. They told her to abort me because of the severe disability that I was going to be born with. My mother told them no. She told them to do what all they could to make me as normal as possible and that’s exactly what they did. Look at me today, people look at me now and can’t even tell that I was born with not one disability but two. In the 15 years of my life she was here, I never got a chance to thank her for all she went through for me. All she sacrificed, all the long nights and long days she endured for me. It’s quit depressing to feel like she did all this for me and I’m here reaping the benefits and she isn’t. not having a mom, the one who has been by me every step of the way, and the one who chose life over death. It hurts, its
painful, and its most of the time depressing. Because I don’t have anyone to fall back on and say “hey mom, this and this happen” or “guess what good thing I did today”. Not being able to call mom and see how she is doing, you know simple shit I see other people take for granted. I think damn. Why me?

Acceptance would be a good title for this section because I am fighting to accept that what’s done is done, and it’s now up to me at almost 27 yrs old. To take hold of my own life and move on and do what she would expect of me, do the right thing as spike lee put it. Accept that my life is now what I make it and not what I have gone through. Even though she isn't here to see me, a beautiful and smart young, almost old woman; I should do what’s best for me as she would if they were here guiding me every step of the way. For the longest time I would always say, " Why did she leave me?". Just yesterday I realized that she didn't leave. The wound she sustained was so deep she had no chance in surviving. She didn't leave because she wanted to she left because she had no other options. All this time I have blamed her for not fighting, for not holding on a little longer, and mainly for not being here with me today. I now realize if she had a choice she would have stayed here with us, her family. She isn’t here to enjoy what she sacrificed so much for.

Secondly, life has been such a struggle for us as her children. When my mother got killed we had no one but each other. No family structure to lean on. Us and the help of our extended family and government agencies. Our lives will always be a struggle because we have no backbone. She was a great woman, mother, sister, aunt and cousin to us all. They say I am her miracle. To me she is my angel. So many times I have been put in dangerous situations that I didn’t think I would ever come out off and when I did I have said to myself. I had my angel looking out for me. Even in death I believe she looks out for us. Because I don’t think we would have made it this far alone without her help from above. But that doesn't change the fact that I never got a chance to repay her for all she put aside of me. He took my ability to show my mother my appreciation.

• Family Relationships – My mom was the backbone, the glue, and the tape. She held us all together. She played peace keeper. Without her I feel like the family didn’t know how to recover from the lost of their glue. It fell apart. We lost a major player on our team we call family. She was the sunshine; since she set, there have been very few bright days as a whole. The connection got lost like a cheap cell phone in the mountains. Our family screen has been stuck on "Signal Lost".

• Siblings Paths – The roads we took as her children, without her are those of puppies who get taken away from their mom too soon. Most of them don’t make it. And if they do they have troubles along the way. I have imagined so many days, just how different it would be if she hadn’t been taken away so soon. We needed her when we were at our peaks. Hell we still need her. Even the oldest that is now 33 years old. You’re never too old to need your mother to guide you down the right path, give u advice, listen to your good times, and encourage you in your bad times.

She was our captain. Without that motivation from the HOH our paths have now been altered dramatically. We are a team missing our star player. And we miss her. In the words of Lupe Fiasco, if we could break down those walls to set her free we would. If we could build a ladder that tall to go up and see her we would. Because we’re out here and we miss her. My sisters' life got put on hold, my life has been at a stand still, my brother Evans' life has been turned upside down. And the littlest of us all, Joshua, is in my eyes is doing the best, getting ready for college and a hopefully prosperous career in the NFL. It seems that the baby of the family with the less memories has been less effected. But in reality he probably feels like we are the lucky ones because we have memories of her and he doesn't. So if you look at it, its a lose lose situation for us all. She didn't deserve to be taken from us, and we didn't deserve to be without her. You ask yourself, would done you be doing more good then harm by letting him out of jail now to be able to see his victims children including 2 of his own kids live their lives?

A Piece from a Article.

Violence At Home...She lost the struggle. Loretta Gullette, 39. Piled in the back of a friend's car on Sept. 11, after a day of fishing on Brannan Island, Gullette and her longtime boyfriend, Greg Fields, 46, began fighting. When it ended, Fields had slashed open Gullette's throat, police said.

Now in the wake and the nature of the events, I don’t feel safe with him being free because….who’s to say he won’t get the urge to do it again to some other families’ mother, brother, sister, or cousin. Or let alone us. He made the choice of ending his outstanding citizen rights when he ended my mom’s life. I feel he should pay with his livelihood as we are paying with ours and most importantly my mom paid with hers. He shouldn’t be able to be free to roam around and make everyday living choices. My mom can’t do any of that. My mom can’t breathe, she can’t see her children, her family, she can’t pay bills, and she can’t enjoy the summer breeze, the ocean, a bus ride to nowhere, and the mountains. Why should he be able to? I feel like an eye for an eye. And him being in here is his way of paying for his half of the eye. So here is where he should stay. Because I don’t think no amount of time is long enough for the precious life he took from my family and her friends. I have said what I had to say and I believe today I have fought in my mother’s honor as she fought for me way before I could fight for myself.

But it’s in your hands now I hope and pray you honor mine and my family’s wishes on this matter and require him to remain behind bars for what he has done. Because nothing he can do or say will change the facts of what he did. It was a senseless and thought out murder. Plain and Simple.

Thank you for your time listening to me today,

Charel Grimes

The One She Fought For